ESTABLISHING NEW FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS IS KEY TO DEALING SUCCESSFULLY WITH DIVORCE-- ESPECIALLY DURING THE HOLIDAYS, RESEARCHER SAYS CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va., Nov. 23 -- Mediation can improve family relationships after a divorce, giving all parties a Òwin-winÓ settlement often not found in the Òwin-loseÓ mentality of the courts. In the recently published ÒRenegotiating Family Relationships,Ó University of Virginia psychology professor Robert E. Emery describes how mediation can keep families out of courts, increase their satisfaction with the separation process and encourage the involvement of both parents in raising children. Noting that the way in which relationships are restructured after divorce is critical to the well-being of children, Emery said that mediation encourages a cooperative approach rather than viewing separated parents as adversaries whose interests must be protected by lawyers. ÒWhen estranged parents can redefine the boundaries of their relationships, it fosters a functional family system and provides a healthier environment for the children,Ó said Emery, a clinical psychologist who researches family conflict, divorce mediation and childrenÕs development. CouplesÕ battles over child custody are often tactics for delaying the demise of their marriages, Emery found. In more than 60 percent of the families he studied a month after settling their custody disputes, at least one partner felt he or she should have tried harder to keep the marriage intact. Men are less accepting of the end of their marriages than women, he found. More than 40 percent of the men said they were proceeding with divorce only because their spouses wanted it, compared to less than 10 percent of women. Following separation, more than half of the men acknowledged they wondered what their ex-partners were doing, whereas only about 15 percent of the women speculated about their ex-spousesÕ activities. The differences in attitudes may reflect differences in how males and females contest the end of their marriages. ÒMen who donÕt want their marriages to end are more likely to refuse a custody agreement, while women who donÕt want their marriages to end are more likely to refuse financial agreements,Ó said Emery, also the author of ÒMarriage, Divorce and ChildrenÕs Adjustment.Ó ÒIt appears that men may fight for custody, in part, to make divorce difficult, perhaps hoping this will cause their wives to rethink the decision to leave,Ó he added. Because separation and divorce are such complex, emotional times, parents embroiled in a custody dispute are likely to project their own experiences onto their children. By doing so, they often adopt an inaccurate view of their childrenÕs adjustment and needs, Emery believes. ÒToo often, a concern for the ÔchildrenÕs needsÕ masks a partnerÕs attempt to resist the end of a relationship or a struggle to gain the upper hand in negotiations. Most children do not want to be forced to take sides with one parent against the other. Their foremost desire often is for their parents to stop fighting,Ó said Emery. Divorce requires the renegotiation of intimacy and power within family relationships. To do that successfully, Emery has found, former partners must separate their spousal and parental roles. He has developed steps that help parents separate their mutual parenting concerns from their angry, uncertain feelings toward each other. One of the most important steps is helping parents understand the childÕs perspective, which is often different from their own. Another effective strategy is establishing precise rules. Children suffer more pain and grieving when the new boundaries between separating parents are unclear or inconsistent. They find it easier to reconcile the loss of a parent when visitation schedules are known and kept. ÒChildren confront the loyalty dilemma of loving two parents who do not love each other,Ó Emery noted. Because many couples rely on the courts to dissolve their marriages, Emery has developed strategies for working with attorneys and judges. One of his key recommendations is that all professionals working with divorcing families help protect children from parental conflict. He believes it is vital for divorcing parents to establish a means for communicating about routine childrearing matters. ÒSeparated and divorced families are defined by relationships, but changes in the family force new rules or boundaries in those relationships. Ironically, the need to redefine power and intimacy between partners who remain parents is the single most important task for separated or divorced families,Ó Emery said. ### November 22, 1994 FOR MORE INFORMATION Emery can be reached at (804) 924-0671.